Thank you for your attempt to contact me, I don’t get many letters these days and I think I would enjoy meeting you as I am a big fan of your work and your funny name.
However, I think this film will paint me in a negative light and further the stereotype that fire-breathing, money-hoarding dragons are all a bunch of evil bastards. It is based on a deceitful book by someone who has a vendetta against me and my family and it attempts to further distort the public misconception that dragons are greedy, lazy and nasty to short people.
It was a hard decision not to meet you as I have enjoyed your previous work. I especially liked you as Legolas in The Fifth Estate, although I’m not sure why you decided to give him that ludicrously over-the-top Australian accent. I respectfully ask you to reconsider your role in the film as Jeff Romeo Romeo Tolkien, to give him his full name, was a lying shit who hates dragons due to an unfortunate incident with a Welsh flag on a drunken rugby tour in the 1971.
By meeting you, I would validate this wretched film and endorse the cynical elongation of a 200 page kids’ book into a nine-hour dworgy of annoying songs and 3D bollocks. And why did the baddie in the first one have balls on his chin?
P.S. Can I have your autograph? It’s for my brother.